A 26th Century Wizard Reviews Star Wars: A New Hope

by | Apr 12, 2016 | Behind the Pages | 0 comments

Born on Earth just after the turn of the 26th Century, Mordecai The Brown is a wizard of considerable skill. His enmity for modern science and technology has nonetheless left him with an appreciation of ancient entertainment media that involve primitive scientific arts. Among these, he is known to enjoy the occasional flatvid (i.e. pre-holovid) movie. Being a wizard, he is more than happy to share his opinions on them.

First things first, I just want to say that I appreciated the conceit that this was all happening in the past. Other galaxy or not, it implies that all that crazy science eventually got the better of them and they died out, leaving nothing of their existence but some dream-like whispers for a 20th Century filmmaker to piece back together. There’s a lesson in that, I think.

I don’t think it’s going out on any limbs to say that the plot’s nothing too avant garde, even in its own era. Farm boy grows up to be a hero. There’s a bunch of shoot-em-ups, some exotic travel, and the rescue of a princess. Hell, you could have done all that with knights and dragons.

What I admit had to impress me, just a little, was the science. Don’t get me wrong, I’m largely opposed to science. Science can get you from planet A to planet B, and I enjoy the fine smell of a fresh marker, but for the most part, it’s a nuisance. The thing is, someone a few hundred years ago did a pretty good job of predicting modern nuisances. Hell, the blasters even sound pretty close to the real thing, and that dinner-plate starship of theirs isn’t so far off in the creature comforts department from a certain spacefaring tub that I’ve spent to much time cooped up inside.

If I had one major complaint, it was with their wizards. Those Jedi fellows have all the basics of magic down pat. Forces of the universe at their fingertips, bending the minds of the weak willed and whatnot. And as soon as they get the itch to fight, what do they do? They whip out welding torches and swing them at each other like swords. A bunch of amateurs, making proper wizards look bad.

Oh, and one last disappointment was that the wookie fellow and the little robot were just making gibberish noises the whole time. Breaks the spell of the viewer when a simple translation charm fails to make their dialogue understandable. I suppose Earth didn’t have many documented encounters with xenological life forms yet, so they played it fast and loose.

Well, they tell me the next one is better, and that the little green wizard doesn’t use a welding-torch sword like these dilettantes.


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